The Comeback Kid

“Get knocked down seven times, stand up eight.”

The statement rings in my ears as I hear the remarks and read what others write about me. How could this be true? How am I worthy of even this statement? How is my life a continuation of getting back up when being knocked down?

As you might be able to tell, I have been dealing with a bit of imposter syndrome. If you do not know what imposter syndrome is, it is a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.

I stand before you in fear that somehow a grave mistake has been made about who I am. I’ve realized that I am a runner, but I have yet to realize that my story and my voice are worthy of being shared. Not only with my close community but with the masses. A lot of this came out after participating in the Runway Slam with Oiselle a few weeks ago.

An opportunity of a lifetime, yet struck with fear when I realized those who would be walking alongside me. Sally, the head bird and owner of Oiselle, made sure to tell us prior to the event that we were hand selected by the team. Our voice in our community and our willingness to share our stories have made us strong women. Our willingness to fight for what we believe in makes us change makers. And yet, this is when I started to question if I belonged in this group of amazing women.

I know that a lot of people look at me and see a confident young women, ready to take on the world head first and share the stories that go along with that. But what most of you do not notice is my fear of being elevated to a level that I do not deserve. You see, I am a average person. I have a full-time job, I live with roommates that I love, I volunteer with high school girls in my church, and I find joy in running. I’ve had a few unfortunate and crazy events happen in my life and they have shaped me into the person I am today. And 14 months ago a felt a pull on my heart to share those stories. So I started writing.

And through sharing I have found my voice and footing for what is going on in my life. From challenging training, handling someone leaving my life, a near death experience, and even struggling with my own identity. Keeping it real is just my thing. But then in August everything started to move very quickly. In the last four months I have gone from the average runner with a small blog to someone being recognized as a voice in the running community. And I am still trying to figure out how it happened.

Daily I am having to remind myself that I have been placed on this earth for a purpose. And currently that purpose is to share my story and do everything with great heart. If that means picking myself up after being knocked down, then so be it. God continues to grant me new days to sing His praise and live the life He has called me to, so I will keep walking this path. These last few months have been a whirlwind but I know that this is a good path to be on. Even if I am struggling with feeling like an imposter. I just have to remind myself each day that I belong, I am called, and I am right where I am supposed to be. I guess this just goes hand in hand with believing in who I am, right?

Until next time

-Be Fearless, Go Boldly


Tell me a story

Tell me a story.

Not one of those mushy, feel good, kinda-like-a-hallmark-channel-movie-where-you-predict-the-ending type of stories.

I want one filled with grit. Heartache. Love. Trial. Determination. Resilience. And a resolve to push forward even when all else seems lost. Because these are the stories that encourage us to keep going.

Maybe one about a young women who doesn’t believe she is worthy of love or success.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Where at the very beginning of her journey to self-discovery, the man she loves disappears without a word, not even an explanation of why, leaving her to pickup the pieces of her broken heart. And instead of continuing on her journey for herself, she changes the focus to be for him.

Except, in the end she never gets him back because he doesn’t care. But she realizes she is stronger without him. And her focus shifts from gaining his approval to gaining her own.

Tell me of the time she looked death in the face. When she should have been in a plane crash in a third world country but by the grace of God she lived to see another day.

Where she faces her fears of failure and begins to put herself out in the world in the most frightening ways. Challenging herself in her ability to move, learning that speed is a self imposed limit. For when she closes her eyes, regardless of how fast she is going, she can fly.

Tell me how her self discovery took over two years, because calling herself a runner is the most challenging thing to admit, not only to others but to herself. Regardless of the amount of dedication she puts in to the sport. Regardless of running a marathon. Regardless of the strength she’s built. Because accepting the reality of who she is, is frightening.

One where she chooses a word to describe her entire year. About how she wanted to be fearless in 2017. Fearless in chasing goals, being honest, sharing her story, and even reaching out to the one who broke her. And when the reality of this word sinks in one year later, she realizes that it changed her entire life.

Tell me of the time she broke down the walls of her self-imposed limits. Where she started writing and opening up about the dark secrets of her life. Of the communities she joined and the way they encouraged her to chase the impossible. Of the day she finally believed she could do anything. And the moment when she realized she was, in fact, a runner.

And save the best part for the end. When I realize that the person you are talking about is actually me. And you remind me that my reality is shaped by my determination to keep going and chasing my dreams, regardless of what stands in my way.

Tell me a story.

Hello 2018

The new year is an exciting time for everyone. We get to clean up our lives and start new again. Or, at least, that is what it feels like. We pack away Christmas, maybe reorganize our homes, set new goals for the new year, and try to make the impossible happen.

A few years ago I decided to do away with New Year Resolutions. I realized that they did not really work well with me, that I fell short to the statistic of dropping them come the end of January. And for my mental state, it was not the best thing to do. So I decided to select a word to describe and shape my year. And it ended up being the best thing I could have done.

The first year I did a word was in 2016. I pondered for a few days what would be the word to shape my year. I’d spent 2015 working on my health, recovering from an injury, working on my mental state, and trying to understand why certain events unfolded the way they did. A day into the new year and I realized the word for 2016 would be STRIVE. If I could strive to be better, do more, and make a difference, I would like up to my desire for the new year.  Honestly, I had no idea how this one word would effect my entire life. I traveled the world, faced a near death experience, ran my first half marathon, and started to question if I was a runner. I lost more weight and became the strongest version of my self. I started co-leading a small group through my church and realized the great things God had in store for my life. All of this may have happened regardless of my New Years resolution or word, but I would like to believe that it all happened because I chose to make an effort to let a word shape my life.

After an eventful 2016 I found myself sitting at the end of the year wondering what 2017 would be like. I already knew I had big things lined up (hello NYC half marathon and Chicago Marathon!) and the scared the living daylights out of me. I was continuing to struggles with my identity in the running community and questioning if my heart would ever feel whole again. While out running one day in late December I passed a tree filled with wishes, a typical thing done in Seattle in December. The first one I looked at said “I wish to live a fearless life”. And it struck a cord deep within me. I had lived in fear of so many things for so long and I realized that if I was going to do big things in 2017, I couldn’t let fear stand in my way. Que the year of being FEARLESS. I lived my life apologetically, writing what I felt was needed to be said, sharing my faith more openly, allowing God to move in ways I couldn’t comprehend. I went into a season of hard running goals knowing that if I could either let them destroy me or change me. Letting fear get in the way would have let these goals destroy me, so I chose to let these distances change me. I spoke to more people, chased the seemingly unobtainable, and made the year of being fearless the best year yet.

So here I sit at the start of another New Year. 2018 has been setup to be a solid year, regardless of what I actually do with it. So I figured why not make it the year I challenge myself in what I believe. Yes, 2018 is the year of BELIEVE. It’s time for me to believe in myself and the things I am capable of doing, even if it scares me. It is time for me to believe in the truths and promises that God has set before me. It is time to believe in the goodness of others and the ability to make a difference in a world that can often seem bleak. I can tell you right now that I will not be racing as much this year but I will be putting in a greater effort to be stronger and faster. I might not get to write as much as I would like to, but the things I write will be filled with truth and a hope to reach more people. I might not understand the ways in which God will challenge me this year, but I know that it will be for my good and for His greater plan. My greatest hope for this year is that I believe in the power of change and how we can all be better if we want to.

As we set sail full force into 2018, my wish for you is to have a year that will change you in many different aspects. Wither its setting a resolution or selecting a word, do the thing that makes you happy and want to be the best version of yourself. Know that you are loved and cared for, even when the world seems dark, I am here for you and so are many others. Take a moment to reflect on the good things of 2017 and set a course for 2018. Let me know what your desires are for the New Year. Then go out there and change your world.

Until next time,
-Be Fearless, Go Boldly


The way we view things is so unique to each and everyone of us. Each experience we have, regardless of who we have it with, is going to look completely different depending on who you ask. My view of the Chicago Marathon is so very different from the thousands of others who ran it. And that is special in its own way.

I have spent time discussing what has happened to me in the past, the way someone walked out of my life without a single word or reason why. How I am searching for how to move forward, even though it can seem impossible. But I know I need to pick up the broken pieces and really begin putting everything back together, or at least complete the puzzle of my heart that is sitting three quarters of the way fixed.

Reaching out to him has not been an easy thing to do. Since the first time in June, every time I hit send my heart starts beating a million miles a minute. Each response sends a whirlwind of emotions and another round of heartbreak as I realize that he just does not care. The final time was a few weeks ago. I finally explained that I needed some form of closure, that I had written a few pieces about what happened but that I didn’t just want to drop a link. Three weeks went by without a response, even though he read the message right away. The realization again that he just did not care. So I finally just sent the link.

The response made me realize that his view is so very different then my own. Where I saw us in a complicated relationship, he saw it as simply a friendship. But his unwillingness to bring up the past made me realize that there was more to his view then he was willing to admit. But then again, he is entitled to have his own view on what happened. But it still does not explain why everything happened the way it did or how he would just cut off contact for years the way he did.

I guess in the end, none of it matters. What matters is how I move forward and keep trying to make the most of each day, of chasing the goals and dreams in front of me, and making my heart whole again. When I look back on what happened, I will always remember first the good times, because regardless of what happened I am human and will always think of the good times first. But I will also look back on how what took place set my life in motion to be a better, holistic person.

Moving forward in any regard is difficult, wither it is from a person or an incident that took place. Some days will be good and some days will be challenging, but regardless of what happens, moving forward is the best thing to happen to me.

Until next time
-Be Fearless, Go Boldly

Why I’m done with the scale

I am at a point where I am completely sick of the scale and the ways it is causing havoc on my life. It seems that regardless of the effort I put into losing weight I am faced with the same results. Not only is this frustrating, but I have an added pressure to get the number down and I have just had enough of it.

When did we start correlating a persons worth with the number on the scale? Since when does how a person performs in their sport have a direct representation to how much they weigh? I can tell you that I am a person who is worthy of love and kindness, just like everyone else. I can also crush the goals set in front of me regardless of “needing to get the number down”.

I am beyond sick of people trying to tell me how I should live my life. From being a kid and hearing that I need to control my weight, to being on a journey to better health and only hearing the positive comments about how much weight I have lost, I am done with this number. I am also done with people turning to body fat percentage, seeking the need to know the answers to what the scale isn’t showing. Can we just accept that everyone’s body is different? That we all carry weight in different ways? That we all have different goals and regardless of where we stand, our weight shouldn’t dictate our ability to keep chasing our dreams?

You might be reading this and start to think that I am a hypocrite. I don’t blame you, I mean, I do post photos of what I used to look like compared to where I am today, as well as sharing that I have lost 75 pounds. But over the last three years I have learned that life is about so much more then the amount of weight I can lose in a set amount of time. Its about the things I am able to experience, the way I am living, and chasing down dreams that I never thought I could do.

This is why I am throwing weight loss out the window. It’s no longer my goal. In fact, it hasn’t exactly been my goal for about a year now. I’ve spent more time learning how to properly fuel my body to be able to perform for running, seeking new goals to accomplish, crushing PR’s and getting stronger in the gym. My life can’t continue to revolve around the number on the scale if I am choosing to live in the world of endless possibility.

The only possibility the scale provides is a high when the number goes down and an extreme low when it goes up. I can’t continue to subject myself to the heightened emotions that come from this kind of cruelty. I can only live in a world where hard work pays off, my passions are driving my accomplishments, and where I am in control of how my emotions are played out, regardless of how much I weigh. For this reason, if you suggest a new diet for weight loss, tell me I need to reduce my mass, or even mention needing extra help to work towards a ridiculous goal that I myself have not set, I will redirect your thinking. If this is going to be a positive change in my life, I have to work on it myself and on the comments from those around me.

For those of you on a journey of your own, remember that the scale is only a measure of your mass to the gravitational pull of the earth. Nothing more. You are more then the number you see. You have value and worth, regardless of what others say. We are all in this to live the best lives we can, regardless of what that number says. And if you find something you love and it happens to influence a loss or gain on the scale, keep in mind that what you are gaining from your new passion far exceed the shame that comes with the scale.

Until next time
-Be Fearless, Go Boldly

Letting Go

How do we let go of what has happened in our past? To set a new course, to continue moving forward without holding on to what once was. Is it that I actually miss the person or the idea of the person? Do I feel some sort of resent towards them and what happened or am I in need of actual closure and an opportunity to thank them for redirecting the course for my life? Can I let the events of the past help shape my future in a positive way or hold me back from being the best version of myself?

As you can tell, my mind has been going in circles for a few weeks now. And I am realizing more and more that I am holding back on even more opportunity for growth in my life because I am holding on to one thing in my past. My desire for closure is far exceeding my need to keep moving forward.

As I keep turning over in my mind, I am realizing the reality of this and how the simple act of letting go is far more difficult then we ever realize. When we let our hearts go towards something or someone that was never meant for us, we go through the process of letting go that puts its hold far deep within our souls. We yearn for what could have been instead of reaching toward what will be in the future. And it is crazy to me how this can play out with people and decisions in our lives over simple things.

How do I let go of a bad race day? How do I move forward from the person I thought would always be there? How do I make peace with myself over a decision that completely altered my mind? Each day of our lives is filled with small decisions that lead to larger choices. Its through these little choices that we finally make headway toward moving forward, forgiving, and finding peace.

I am very much still in the midst of finding balance in the small choices I make each day. I know that these little choices will effect that larger decisions in my life. I am starting to become more aware of the small choices and how they are affecting me currently. If I don’t like something, I begin to determine the process of changing it. But one thing I can’t seem the change is the thoughts of what could have been. That is, until today. I am working towards reworking my thoughts. Think about what could have been and shift it to what is actually happening. Think of how I could have made a different choice and instead think of the choices I have made that have brought me to today. It’s a small step in a large process that is going to lead to a lot of growth.

Maybe I will be further along in a few weeks on this process. Maybe my mind will shift if I can receive the closure I so desperately want. But what will I do if God has a different plan and I don’t get what I want? What do I do then? Do I continue to think about the past knowing that it is hurting my future or do I pick up the remaining broken pieces, glue them back together, and finally move on with my life?

I guess time will only tell. But my hope is to start moving forward in ways that I have yet to do. Because I know I am better off now then I was years ago.

Three Years Later

It is hard to believe that today marks three years of my fitness/health journey. Three years ago I stepped off a flight from Santiago, Chile, and ventured right into the unknown. I took a leap of faith on myself, with the help of a stranger on Instagram, and hoped for the best.  What has happened over the past three years is nothing short of incredible. A true testament to the work God is doing in and through my life.

I have days where is it hard to remember my life before I made the change. But I also have those days where I feel like I never changed at all. I have learned so much about who I am, what I love to do, and the things I am capable of doing. Numerically I have lost 75 pounds, run over 30 races, logged about 800 miles this year alone. I have run races I never thought I would be able to do, met people who have changed my life, and started to share my journey.

I learned about the things the do not tell you about extreme weight loss, like lose skin, mental changes, self discovery, identity crises, and finding a new normal. I have learned about balance, true friendship, and the meaning behind community. I have had a “near death” experience, pierced my noise, overcome an eating disorder, and even gotten a tattoo to represent everything this journey has taught me.

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And I keep coming back to the same spot every time I think about my journey. I think about how grateful I am to have had an opportunity to change my life. I had no idea what I was doing when I started. I just knew that I was fed up with the way I was living and feeling. And it forced me to reach out to someone I did not know for help. I did not know if I would be able to commit fully or make it through more than a few months, but I knew I needed to try. I took in all the things I was taught and worked through them. I made the mental changes needed and really put myself first in every circumstance.

I think back to the frightened young women and I am so thankful for what she did. And I remember the amount of bravery it took to have the courage and faith to make the change, even if it wouldn’t work. This journey is easy in explanation but so challenging in reality. And I am forever grateful to 26 year old me for choosing to change, regardless of what anyone had to say.

My life is drastically different today. All because I took a leap of faith. Trust the process of the journey you are on. Know that you will make mistakes. You will fall of the wagon. But if you get back up and keep moving forward, you will find power within yourself and your choices. You can do anything you set your mind to. You just have to believe in yourself and take that first step into the unknown.

Until next time
-Be Fearless, Go Boldly