I feel as though some aspects of my life are slipping through my hands. Its as if I can’t hold on them, no matter how hard I try.
The reality is that as I get older, the more I realize that I cannot control control anything in my life. Try as I might, life will always get in the way. There will always be outside forces that throw off a plan. Days will start off great and occasionally end with fear or sadness. But I have to cling to the hope that I am exactly where I need to be and doing exactly what I am called to do.
As I continue to think over the last month of my life, I realize how different it is today then what I thought it would look like. So much change, from heartbreak to immense joy. It’s this balance that I have never experienced in my life. The desire to cry and smile all at the same time. Being on this emotional roller coaster that shows no signs of stopping.
I’ve experienced a loss that I never imagined I would have to go through or witness. I’ve watched my best friend lose her child and have sat alongside her in the midst of intense grief and sorrow. I’ve felt this grief myself and its hard to shake the very real reality that we will not have this little on in our lives.
I’ve experienced the great joys at the same time. A new start and chance for my heart to see what good things can happen. Continuing to chase a dream and desire to run with my whole heart. To inspire the world around me in the midst of everything taking place in my life. And to reflect the life and love of Jesus in the midst of everything.
And I am realizing how hard it is to juggle. That these two extremes are so blended and embedded in my life that it seems that they will never separate, no matter how hard I try. But it could also be that I do not know how to handle grief. To sit with these feelings instead of compartmentalizing them and pushing them away until they force their way out.
As I continue to sit with these extreme feelings, I can’t help but be numb. Because in some way, being numb is way easier then actually feeling. Feeling so sad that their seems no way out. Or feeling so filled with joy but secretly waiting for it to be shattered. It’s the dark twisted side of my mind that is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the reality to snap me out of where I am. Even though this is my reality and unless I cause a drastic shift, its not going to change.
I have to remember that time heals all wounds. The wounds of sorrow and loss and the wounds of being hurt again. I know that eventually I will be ok with the loss that I’ve endured and accepting of the joy’s that are in my life. It’s just that right now it feels as if it is all slipping through my hands and I can’t hold on to any of it.
I am reminded that I am not along in these feelings. That I am not walking a path uncharted, no matter how isolating it seems. I am not alone and in a strange way it brings me comfort. To know that others can relate. And if you can relate, feel free to reach out. And if you happen to be in the midst of something similar, also reach out. The only way we can get through this is to be here for one another. Because none of us are actually alone.
Until next time
-Be Fearless, Go Boldly