There is an art within vulnerability.
The willingness to share exactly what is going on in your life. To let someone in on the struggles, the complications, the mess that you sit in. To share your heart and know that it will get hurt. To let someone see the real side of you that you hide from the world. We live in a world focused so much on the highlight reel that we forget that aside from the highs, people live lives that are filled with secret spaces.
I am realizing within my own journey the need to share aspect that others would otherwise push aside. But, I am the type of person that can’t handle ambiguity. Honestly, it makes me uncomfortable and can create situations within my mind that get out of control. And when I stop to think about it, to sit with this unsettling, I’d like to think that ambiguity drives most of us slightly nuts. It creates unseen situations in our heads, hands us unrealistic expectations that we place on others, and is the driving force between what is reality and what is made up in our mind.
Sharing with others is also something that I am not good at. And this realization has taken place over the last few days. I am realizing that I like to keep people at arm’s length. To have the ability to let someone in to my life and mess on my terms and in my own timing. Yet, my own timing causes me to feel isolated, burnt out, and in dire need of community that I didn’t realize I was pushing away.
These aspects of reality are part of the mess that I seem to be in and that I can’t just shimmy my way out of. I have to take the time to sit with what is going on, the way things currently are, the place I find myself, and allow time for processing and questioning. Questions like “What is God up to?”, “How did I end up here?”, and “What is next when everything seems so challenging at this moment?”. The types of questions that no one likes to ask themselves, let alone let someone else in to help them answer. Thanks social media for creating a world of highlight reels to compare our lives filled with non-highlight reel moments. You have made expectations and reality hard to grasp, causing people to think their life is worse than a majority of our own friends, when the reality is we all have our own mess to sit with and deal with.
I can’t lie within the walls of my own heart. I am searching and seeking right now. What is happening is all in the perfect timing of a perfect God who cares so much about me. I know that there is purpose for everything going on. I know that through the various things I do, clarity will come. God is walking people directly into my path and setting up divine appointments that I couldn’t even imagine. Though this time is challenging, I am thankful. Thankful for those who are walking alongside me, those who get that my means of therapy are running, those that are ok with letting me sit in silence in front of them even when it seems uncomfortable, and for those that can tell with one look at me that I am in need of love.
I’ve said it before, but community is the biggest thing that keeps me going. It’s the people who step in and reach a hand down into the pit and remind me that I am not alone. This is why I am always sharing that people need to find their community. The people who get them, who reach out, who sit and listen, and challenge with what is next. Find your people and love them hard. Don’t be afraid to share the depth of your heart and ask for help. And don’t be afraid to go for a run when you should be asleep. Sometimes the best therapy after an emotionally trying day is an “anything goes” run and good conversations with friends.
Until next time
-Be fearless, go boldly