I’ve been avoiding writing for the last two weeks.
It’s not that I don’t have things to write about, in fact I have a list of about 15 different topics. I’ve been avoiding sharing the actual struggle I’m going through and sharing my heart with you all. The exact thing I set out to do when I started this blog.
Truth is, I still feel unworthy of this title of being a runner. I still struggle with accepting the various opportunities that are coming my way. I feel like I don’t deserve the amount of effort that others are putting into me and helping me to be better. This has nothing to do with anything I or others have done and everything to do with my minds ability to not accept anything from others and myself. One of my faults that I’m still working through.
I’m constantly being reminded that I am deserving of the things I am receiving. Not just because of who I am but because of the work and dedication I have put in to get to where I am. It’s not easy to do a 180 on your life, re-establish your identity, and desire to chase the impossible that is put before you. Yet, somehow, that is exactly what I have done.
I keep thinking back to what my life was like 3 years ago. I only dreamed of being where I am today. And after failed attempt by failed attempt, something finally clicked for me. I was able to face an eating disorder, find some form of activity that I absolutely love, and dare to chase things that seemed impossible. I praise God daily for letting me live the life I have lived, because without the willingness of the person I was three years ago, I would have never made it to where I am today.
And a huge part of this all was willing to put my trust in where God was leading me. It’s not easy to be broken down to rock bottom and be willing to reach your hand out towards something you can’t physically see or touch. But my willingness to do so has allowed God to walk me through an incredible journey that has lead me here. To be able to write about running, identity, body positivity, weight loss, and self discovery.
I know that sharing the dark side of my heart is terrifying, but doing so is another aspect of what I’ve been called to do. I’ve been given this gift of writing and a platform to be able to do so. And I am so honored by those who read this little corner of the internet and allow me to speak light and positivity into your life. I’m hopeful to push through this roadblock and get back to writing more soon. It’s just taking a bit more time then I realized to re-establish what normal looks like and what this next layer of being a runner really means.
Until next time
-Be Fearless, Go Boldly